


Drowning

by PhoenixPhaedrana



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: mention of self harm, mention of suicide, this isn't a light one peeps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 15:35:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21038558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixPhaedrana/pseuds/PhoenixPhaedrana
Summary: Someone's drowning... drowning in a sea of emotions and far too much pain. Will someone throw him a lifeline? Or will he be allowed to drown there, with his loved ones unaware of his struggle until it's too late?





	Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> I blame Dil for this. 100% my inspiration, I liked the idea too much not to do this.  
Also those questions in the summary? Just to be clear, this story answers NONE of those. Not even I know the answers to those questions.

His breathing was shaky. He felt like he couldn’t move. He felt trapped in an open space… alone among those he loved most. And the thoughts… the dark thoughts kept coming back… they wouldn’t stop  _ they wouldn’t stop! _

He was fighting. He was fighting  _ hard  _ but he was losing. He was losing against himself. His mind wandered down that dark path again and he yanked it back. He was so damn ungrateful. He knew that. He knew he was a terrible person, that he didn’t deserve love, that he didn’t deserve to live- there he went again. He sobbed as his mind kept going around and around in a vicious, never ending cycle.

He was tired. So… so tired. Why did it have to be like this? Why did he have to be tortured, happiness within his grasp, in the palm of his hand, and yet vanishing more with every moment… he didn’t know why. He was fixed, wasn’t he? He was better, right? This was everything he had ever wanted, wasn’t it? But it somehow still wasn’t enough… somehow the pain still came back. It was always there, lurking in the back of his mind. He tried so hard to ignore it… to tell himself and others that it didn’t exist, but it was there. It would be brought out by the slightest comment, and he knew the slightest touch of that weakness could send him spiraling downward to which he might never return.

He was scared. He didn’t want to die! He never had, not really. Something inside of him was always screaming at him to keep going, no matter the cost. But he was weakening… he knew how selfish that was. He was unable to be happy even when some would sacrifice so much just for him, and that disgusted him. They cared about him… why would he throw that gift away? How could he let his enemies win? 

He didn’t want to die, no… but he didn’t want to keep living, not like this. He knew he wouldn’t last much longer against this. He knew that if he didn’t do something, he’d force them to experience the same pain he did all in his power to avoid. He tried to laugh, but it died before it reached his tongue. But what could he do? He couldn’t express himself. Hell, he refused to acknowledge how bad it was. He just kept smiling, laughing, and playing, being sure to conceal this from everyone. 

He remembered once before reaching out… but he couldn’t do so again, it wouldn’t do any good… no one could help him. He was… he was so alone. He was terrified of what he might do, who he might harm… There was only one person here who deserved to hurt… who deserved to hurt for failing. For not being enough. Who deserved to hurt for  _ wanting to hurt. For wanting to die when he was given everything he should need. _

The only person here who deserved to hurt… was himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Mmm my guess is there are going to be a few specific people who know EXACTLY who this is, and everyone else won't. 
> 
> For those peeps who've figured it out; The second half of this is mostly subconscious. He's aware of parts of it, but he thinks he's keeping it under control, that he can handle it ( hint: he can't).
> 
> Ngl though this was very interesting to write. I'll do more in the future if I get the opportunity, but it's not super likely that I will for awhile, at least. (I sure hope not, anyway. He should be allowed to be happy! But of course he's gonna have a hard time getting rid of self destructive behaviors.)


End file.
